Roses are red, violets are blue
As we move into February, my thoughts turn to red roses, heart-shaped chocolates and Valentine’s Day. But wait a minute, I’m a widower, can I date? Is that even allowed?
What will my family and friends think if I’m seen holding the hand of another woman? As I begin to date again, as a widower (and I’m sure widows feel the same) guilt and worry continue to swirl around my head.
Discover how I combined my endless love for my late wife and developed a new loving relationship with another woman. Everyone deserves to be happy. It is possible to share your life with someone else and to move forward without feeling guilty.
This is my story.
I lost my spouse and now I’m dating — why do I feel so guilty?
For most folks, February is known for snow, the super bowl, a bit more snow, and hopefully (if money and restrictions allow) a spring-break respite from, yeppers, the snow!
But for me, February is the month of love. I would spend hours planning a special Valentine’s Day (and evening) for my wife, including gifts, flowers and a romantic dinner or a play. But that all ended in January, 2020 when Mary passed away of ovarian cancer.
During my first Valentine’s Day as a widower, I had no interest in dating or even speaking to someone new. Mary had been dead for less than a month and I was in the grips of bitter grief. Everything hurt!
My second Valentine’s Day was in 2021, and I’m not going to lie, I believed that I had a better handle over grief. But in hindsight, time had allowed the “brain fog” to clear and with a clearer mind I was able to grasp and feel the full magnitude of what had happened. For me, the second year after Mary’s death was actually more difficult than the first.
I’m not sure how I managed but I forced myself to ask someone to dinner for Valentine’s Day, 2021. The date went well, and I enjoyed her company and conversation, but I couldn’t shake my guilt.
The many faces of guilt
Mary and I never discussed seeing another woman after her death, and for the longest time, I felt that she hadn’t given me permission to date. This lack of permission added a new guilt to my list of guilts, (including survival guilt), and every time I looked at a woman, it felt like I was cheating on Mary.
My first date after Mary, was at an outside patio in Yorkville and instead of getting to know my date, I was constantly checking if friends or family were around to see me with another woman. I left feeling guilty for having had fun and spending time with a woman who wasn’t my wife.
I felt conflicted, on one hand I was having fun meeting new people,
I felt conflicted, I was having fun with new people, but I couldn’t help thinking that my happiness was paid for by Mary’s death.
The guilt that had me checking over my shoulder
I’m a relatively confident man. I’ve never been too worried about what people think of me because I’ve never been in a situation to warrant concern.
But here I was, worrying what people would think as I walked out with another woman.
As a father, my main concern was (and always will be) my three children: Victor, Gordon and Christine. For over a year, I could hear their voices in my head, “Is dad replacing mom?” “Does dad want us to forget mom?” With the ever-present echo of my friends, “It’s too soon to date?”
I began dating about one year after Mary’s death. I can’t give anyone advice about the appropriate time to begin dating; it’s personal and it can be 2 months, five years or whenever. It’s a personal decision and should be left the griever.
Please don’t judge a griever until you have “walked a mile in their shoes.” The stages of grief vary from person to person and the time spent in each stage may be long or short. There are no set rules for how long grieving should take nor does a bell ring to signal that it’s appropriate to start dating again.
Not moving on, just moving forward
Kathleen Rehl’s book entitled “Moving forward on your own” helped me reconcile many of the guilts connected to dating after Mary’s death.
Kathleen explained how I could date and find happiness in my new life while still respecting my past life with Mary. After hours of mulling over these words, I now understand that it’s possible to begin a new relationship while always loving my deceased wife.
To my children, I say “the love that I have for your mother is endless, just like the love I have for you!”
I want them to know that when Victor was born, mom and I loved our little boy with all our heart and wondered if we had room to love another child. When Gordon was born, we didn’t subtract love from Victor to give to Gordon, instead our love doubled. And when Christine was born, our love tripled.
Love is not finite, instead it’s an endless resource.
Valentine’s 2022 (the third after Mary’s death)
Today, I feel healthier that I have reconciled many of the guilts connected to Mary’s death. This year, I will spend Valentine’s Day with a woman I have recently met, and I will be enjoying her company without worrying about who will see us.
Although Mary never gave me permission to date after her death, I now believe that she didn’t withhold her permission out of spite or malice but because of her own issues dealing with her death.
Much is written about death having five stages, if this is true, Mary had difficulty getting past the denial stage and moving to acceptance. Please believe me, I’m not being critical, I have absolutely no idea how I will handle my own death when the day comes. Hopefully I will be able to learn from Mary’s experience.
Next week I’ll look at some of the financial considerations when a widow or widower finds a new love of their life, stay tuned (sorry folks, I just couldn’t help myself, the financial considerations are so important).
A Valentine’s tip for widows and widowers
Loving another woman/man is not a betrayal of your late wife/husband nor should you care about what others think. Begin dating when you have found a way to move forward without forgetting your late spouse.
How did you manage the emotional issues connected to dating after the loss of your partner? Did you feel guilty? How did you overcome your guilt?
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Interested in learning more? Here are a few resources for you:
- Gratitude for your support
- Lessons learned
- Overcoming challenge as you age alone
- Top 10 financial issues for retirees
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