There are many factors that can positively and negatively affect a relationship… excess baggage, shared interests, attraction and even cold feet.
But money and love are the real relationship killer. Later in life it can be tricky combining love, widowhood and wealth, but not impossible. Here is what I learned when I began dating again after the death of my spouse.
This is my story
I met my first love at the age of 18, we were both high school seniors. We dated in grade 13, became a couple in university and married at the young age of 24.
We didn’t have any financial assets, heck I’d never even heard of a financial plan. But we had good jobs and with some help from the banks of Mom and Dad, we bought a small condo in Etobicoke.
Back then, our financial life was very simple. We had one joint account where we deposited our salaries and paid bills. We worked, continued our studies, and enjoyed our weekends. Nothing could have been simpler.
As many readers know, Mary died in 2020 and I became a widower. I was left with a much different and complicated financial life. Mary and I had three wonderful children together, who have become the reason for my life — they are my definition of being rich!
Today, I own a business, a family home, rental properties, a vacation home, RRSPs, TFSAs and cash accounts. I’m a member of a corporate pension plan and I’m eligible for government benefits, including our federal pension and CPP survivor’s pension. It’s so complicated that I hire a bookkeeper, an accountant and a property manager to help with all the paperwork and day-to-day stuff. I’m not complaining but it is complicated to stay on top of all my financial stuff.
Mary and I worked very hard for our money, and I want our assets to be eventually inherited by our children (but only after I have used whatever I need).
But wait, how would my plan work if I decided to remarry or cohabitate with another woman? Are there some sensitive topics involving money that should be discussed before remarrying or living together?
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Are you ready to date again? Before setting up your profile on one or more online dating apps, ask yourself if you’re ready to date again. Trust me when I say, “this is not an easy question to answer,” and a question that I spent two years trying to answer.
I felt confident to date when I was able to reconcile the possibility of loving two women at the same time. After much contemplation, I realized that I could continue to love my deceased wife while at the same time, let myself fall in love with another woman.
At first, the thought of loving another woman felt like cheating on my wife but eventually a different perspective emerged, the idea of infinite love.
To explain the concept, I often use the example of having kids. When child #1 is born, they receive all of mom and dad’s love, yet when child #2 is born, mom and dad’s love somehow multiplies and now each child is loved equally. Notice, Love didn’t get subtracted from one and added to the other, instead, love miraculously doubled.
I believe when you have accepted the idea of infinite love, you’re ready to date again and to give your new partner the same love, devotion and commitment you gave your late spouse, without the feeling of guilty.
My secret to Money Harmony: mine, yours and ours
When you can honestly say that you’re ready to love again, start the dating process without any guilt. I’m not a dating coach so, I’ll skip the dating advice, but I will provide financial tips to consider when planning to cohabitate and possibly remarry.
Some of the happiest remarried couples have shared their belief that “money issues” often lead to relationship issues and it’s best to be transparent with money before getting too serious. Yes, I know it’s common sense to discuss money before getting too serious, but the topic is far from romantic and many couples just ignore the topic and hope it doesn’t cause too many problems down the road.
I believe many money issues may be resolved by applying the strategy of “mine, yours and ours.”
If we look at a scenario, how would a remarried couple handle different amounts of assets brought into the marriage. Example: Partner A’s net worth is $1,000,000 while Partner B’s net worth is $5,000,000.
If your goal is to pass your personal assets on to your kids when you die, then it’s important to hold your assets individually and let your partner understand that all of your remaining assets (if any) on death will pass to your kids, not him or her. This understanding must be legalized with a prenuptial or cohabitation agreement.
Thus, each partner would maintain separate banks and investment accounts and would select their individual children as beneficiaries of their assets. The partners would also choose third-party executors (family or a trust company) to help settle their respective Wills and estates. At the same time, the partners would appoint Powers of Attorney for property and personal care who will act in their best interest and are free of conflicts of interest.
Perhaps a joint chequing account may be opened and used to pay common expenses. It’s best to predetermine if common expenses are paid equally or based on some other allocation like the ability to pay or usage.
Other thorny issues
Sometimes, money issues may be very complicated, you can stick to the mine, yours and our strategy or you might need to be a bit more creative. Other things spring to mind when you have that “money” conversation:
a) Houses
If both partners own a house, which house do you live in, who owns it? How’s it paid for? Would the second home be maintained or sold? Or would both homes be sold to purchase a new home together?
How are household expenses allocated? Is 50-50 reasonable or should expenses be paid based on ability to pay or usage?
b) Retirement plans
Should both partners retire at the same time? Do both partners have enough money to maintain their lifestyle in retirement, if not, is the affluent partner prepared to support the other?
If both partners don’t retire at the same time, how are vacations organized and who pays?
c) Investment strategies
Do the partners follow similar investment strategies? If not, what happens when one portfolio outperforms the other, or even declines? Is the gain and loss shared or is it taken individually?
Do partners use the same professional advisors?
d) Health consideration
If one partner is sick, is the other partner prepared to help with time and or money? If not, who will provide the necessary assistance? How would care differ if one partner had appointed a Power of Attorney for Personal Care?
e) Kids and aging parents
If aging parents are still alive and become financially dependent, does one or both partners provide financial support? What about financial assistance for children, do both partners help out equally or at all?
Final thoughts
Getting remarried later in life can be very messy. Putting personal factors aside, partners may have vastly different assets and liabilities, partners may disagree on retirement goals or have dramatically different retirement lifestyle expectations. The challenges continue if a partner may be ladened with financially dependent children and/or parents. Like I said, messy!
But this financial messiness shouldn’t stop you from falling in love again and possibly remarrying.
From my personal and professional experience, it is critical to protect yourself and your family. This isn’t pillow talk so put some time aside to discuss money with your partner and use the “mine, yours, and ours” strategy to arrive at consensus then formalize your joint understanding with a legal document.
If your partner is unwilling to discuss money or is more willing to apply the strategy of: What’s Mine Is Mine, And What’s Yours Is Ours, maybe a little internal soul searching is needed before you ask the question again.
Have you started dating again? Do you think having the “money talk” early makes sense or do you feel it will jeopardize the budding relationship?
How can we help you through some of life’s most difficult transitions
We’re a small family at Dri Financial Group. We’ve been together for over 20-years. From years of experience, we’re able to provide the emotional support and financial expertise needed for every situation. If you have any goal in mind — big or small — that requires some financial planning, but you’re struggling with where to start, reach out to our team. We have the expertise and life experiences to help guide you to achieving your goals.
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Interested in learning more? Here are a few resources for you:
- Long-term care
- Should you agree to be someones executor
- Retirement starts with realistic goals
- Why money is everything
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source https://richarddri.ca/financial-advice-for-widows-planning-to-remarry/
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