Sorry, this is not a steamy article that belongs on the topshelf of a grocery store magazine rack nor a racy novel by Anne Rice.
Instead, I hope to help anyone who has lost a spouse/partner and is trying to move forward with their lives and to experience love again.
In previous articles, I have explained my belief that love is an infinite resource and has the ability to multiply, again and again. For example, when a widow/widower is ready, they will expand their ability to love, and without guilt will be able to love two people at the same time. In case you’re wondering, I mean their late spouse and new partner.
The same also happens when a parent’s love doubles as their second child is born and triples as their third is born and so forth for each additional child.
Now that I have reasoned that I am able to begin dating again. Here are a few personal observations for anyone brave enough to date a widow/widower:
1) It’s not a competition.
Mary’s pictures are scattered throughout my house, her clothes and shoes fill the closets, and the kitchen is stacked with her favorite blue Churchill plates. It is safe to say, my entire house reflects Mary’s passion and style.
My home is an intimidating place for any woman I date. I’m sure my girlfriend asks herself, “how do I compete with Richard’s late wife?” “Is he ready to love me the way he loved his late wife?”
All good questions and here’s how I would respond to anyone dating a widow/widower.
Firstly, and most importantly, you’re not in a competition. It’s not you or their late spouse. Don’t try to downplay their late spouse’s importance in their life while finding ways to increase your own significance. That importance, and those memories, are ingrained in their life — forever!
Instead, find ways to honour their late spouse. Ask them about his late wife/husband. Find out about their passions, what they liked/disliked, their job, their parents and their family. Don’t be afraid to bring up their name during conversations.
Don’t ignore the existence of their late spouse. Find ways to merge their late wife/husband’s memory into the new relationship and focus on building new memories. Ask them if they would like to do activities that they did with their late spouse or would prefer to steer clear of things that might conjure up sad memories.
After two-years of soul-searching and contemplation, I found that I could love a new partner in the same way that I loved Mary, but only when I was ready. This included doing many things that I did with Mary, but also avoiding others!
If that makes you uncomfortable or you feel threatened, maybe dating a widow/widower isn’t for you.
2) Let them grieve special anniversaries.
I’m not sure if this will change, but for now, I take time off to honour and remember special anniversaries such as Mary’s birthday, our wedding anniversary and the date of her funeral. For me, these days will always be filled with a mixture of happiness, sadness, and grief.
I often spend these anniversaries with my children. My tip is to let them spend these days grieving. Don’t get upset if the anniversary doesn’t include you, or take their “mood” personally. These anniversary dates are about them and their late spouse. If you’re divorced, I’m sure there are dates that induce memories and feelings of sadness and grief.
Also accept that the anniversaries may cause rough patches in your relationship. Try asking the griever to discuss their pain but don’t pretend to be an expert or know how they feel. Or worse, demand they share their thoughts with you.
Sometimes space is the best measure to bring you closer together.
3) Children.
For me, my children are the most sensitive part of dating.
As many of you know, I have three children. When I shared my dating plan with my adult kids, their reactions were mixed. One fully supported the idea but the other two were upset and unwilling to continue the discussion. They admitted that dating was my decision, but they were not ready to accept another woman coming into our family home and acting like their mom (or my wife).
I assured the two protesters that no one would ever replace their mom, nor would I ever try to erase their mom’s memories.
As I began dating, I slowly began sharing my dating experiences with my children. I didn’t keep my dates a secret, but I wouldn’t provide details unless asked. Most importantly, I avoided bringing anyone home (while the kids were home).
I continued honouring all of Mary’s special anniversaries and I improved the lines of communication with each child. I also took a deeper interest in their lives and their issues. Basically, I worked on becoming a better father and when possible, I even tried to fill some of Mary’s roles (unfortunately, not very well).
Last Christmas, I noticed a shift, a softening of their views. All three kids, including the objectors, took an interest in my new relationship. I’m not exactly sure what caused the change, but I think they are beginning to feel that my new relationship doesn’t mean the end of my love for their mom nor forgetting her memories.
As parents, we are supremely protective of them. They will always be our main love. Whether you’re dating a widow/widower or a divorcee, my personal observation would be to treat their kids very carefully. Don’t try to become their new parent.
As adults, we should be able to connect with people (his or her children) on a friendly level without the need to adopt a “I’m older I know better” stance. Similarly, leave them to do the parenting, and if you don’t agree with their style, you should be able to discuss it openly and articulately enough to come to a fair resolution.
4) Mine, Yours, and Ours.
Mary and I worked very hard during our 33-year marriage, and we accumulated enough money in our estate for a comfortable retirement. Our business, our homes, our rental properties, assets, savings and investments are for my use, and when I die, will pass to my children. I’m quite clear that they’re not destined for anyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not paranoid that I will be swindled out of my assets by a scam or a fraud but I am concerned enough to have the “money” discussion with my new girlfriend and prepare a cohabitation agreement, if we ever decide to live together.
To minimize financial conflicts, I believe the “money” discussion should be had very early on in a new relationship, and I recommend the mine, yours, and ours strategy.
In short, my assets are mine and her assets are hers and if we buy anything together (like a house), it’s an “our” asset. On my death, my assets will be inherited by my children (same applies to her assets) and joint expenses will be shared equally, or as per a mutually agreed plan.
I would hope that anyone in their 50s/60s and dating again, would be financially independent and would not expect financial support from their new partner or his/her family. This goes both ways!
5) Take it slow.
Dating a widow/widower will test the patience of most people.
You’re dealing with their late spouse, their children, their family and their friends. You’re also dating their emotions (e.g., grief and guilt), so it’s normal for them to be a little testy at times, and it’s normal for you to occasionally be inpatient. As adults we’ve collected many life experiences and we should be able to use them to our advantage.
Take it slow. Don’t rush, don’t push, and don’t feel the need to be involved in every facet of their life. Let them set the pace.
Final thoughts
We all want love and to be loved. As a widower, I have been loved and continue to be loved by Mary, and I will continue to love her until my last breath. However, that doesn’t mean that I can’t or don’t want to be loved again, by another woman.
But widows/widowers do come with a little baggage. I’m not talking about a six-piece luggage set with matching carry-on bags. But I am talking about the memory of their late spouse.
One last note. Widowers have been through the ultimate relationship experience. One that no one ever wants to go through, not least in their 50s or 60s. But this experience does “maketh the man,” (and woman) so to speak. When you date a widower, you will be dating someone with many more experiences, a better grasp of their emotions, and someone (hopefully) that has fully stowed their baggage.
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