The secrets to what it is like to date a widower

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Dating a divorcee, single parent or widow/widower can’t be easy. There is always baggage, albeit that most people have is safely stowed away.

But, for those brave enough to date a widow/widower, it’s doubly difficult as you’re involved with two people: your new partner and the memory of their late spouse. The latter aspect also comes with a persistent feeling of sadness.

Last week, over dinner I asked my new partner what it was like to date a widower. She set down her cutlery and said, “It’s wonderful to know that I am the reason why this man [me] is laughing, smiling and loving again after such sorrow and sadness. But equally, I know that my presence alone is not enough and there are times when he [me] needs to spend time with the memories of his first love.”

I was taken aback by her answer. She’d obviously been expecting this question and had pondered the answer for some time. It was such an expressive answer that I’ve handed over the writing reins this week. It wasn’t easy because I’m a scribbler and love to share my thoughts, knowledge and experience with everyone, but I’ve stepped outside of my comfort zone and gave my pen to my partner.

I asked her five questions related to dating a widower. Her answers are not dating advice, but her own feelings based on our time together. Our objective is to help widows/widowers break through the sadness of widowhood and help them move forward and to love again.

Up close and personal: a woman’s perspective on dating a widower

In her own words, here are her answers to the following questions:

1) Richard: “what should I call you?”

I love the word “girlfriend,” it sounds so pure and innocent, but that’s because it sounds like we’re both teenagers in high school, and alas we are not. But also, “significant other” is at the other end of the spectrum. It’s so formal and something you might write on a life insurance policy.

Id’ like to be called your partner. For me, it shows that we’re in an exclusive relationship and we’ve committed to sharing our time and love with each other. We rely on each other’s advice on life’s many thorny issues such as kids, family, career and money.

2) Richard: “So partner, I am curious to know from a women’s perspective how does being a widow compare to being a divorcee?”

I can only talk about my own experiences, but for me, there is a sharp contrast of emotions between a partner whose previous relationship ended in divorce versus a marriage that was ended by the death of a spouse/partner.

Divorce is an intentional decision to end a relationship and the emotions of anger and resentment may remain long after the divorce papers are signed. Yet, for a widow or widower, whose spouse was taken from them, the emotions of sadness, loss, pain, and love will always remain.

In my case, Mary’s pictures are a gentle reminder of your previous life. I know that you will always love Mary, and that should never change. I know that you will grieve her loss for the rest of your life.

In my opinion, this grief doesn’t mean that you can’t love again, and our relationship is proof of that. But it would be remiss of me to assume that you loving me, means you’ve stopped loving Mary, and miraculously, your grief has disappeared.

3) Richard: “how do you feel about my children?”

I’m sure that this is a sensitive subject for all couples in a blended family or those embarking on a new relationship that could eventually become a blended family. For me, Mary and yourself raised your children, who are now all adults, so I’m not in a position to start playing mom now.

As a mother, I know and understand the emotions that my kids experienced, so I can appreciate that your children are grieving for their mom no differently than you’re still grieving for Mary.

Of course, I worry that they’re forming opinions or conclusions based on the differences in my behaviour and personality versus those of their mother, and why wouldn’t they? It’s normal human behaviour. My only wish is that their opinions are fair and if there was anything that caused concern, that they’d be comfortable enough to talk to me.

Only time and grace will eventually help toward acceptance.

I also hope that your children don’t wonder if I have ill intentions for you. We read and hear so many bad stories these days that it’s entirely possible that people would think that I’m after your money. Obviously, my feelings for you are entirely the opposite.

4) Richard: “how do you feel about my friends?”

Irrespective of age or circumstance, most people are hesitant to introduce a new girlfriend or partner to their friends. It’s a natural defence mechanism to avoid being hurt. But we discussed the issue and I quickly learned that you still feel guilty about dating and you’re concerned that your friends would see us dating as a betrayal of Mary.

For people of our age, we’ve formed relationships over many years, and these relationships contain memories and experiences with other people. It’s not like any group of friends ever put a poster on a lamppost with a notice, “Group of friends has space for one more, please call the number below!” So it’s impossible for a newcomer to just fit right in.

At the beginning, I did worry that you didn’t like me. But after meeting some of your friends, I realized that they loved Mary and were also mourning her death. Not knowing Mary, I felt like an outsider and found it difficult to connect.

I hope that the feeling of being an outsider will eventually fade once your friends realize that I am not trying to replace Mary but begin a healthy and long-term relationship with you.

5) Richard: “What are the hardest parts of dating me?”

This is possibly the most difficult question to answer. I know that your underlying emotion is sadness, which may never change. So I’m constantly wary that I may be overwhelming you and scaring you away. My wariness may never change, either.

It is most definitely a fine balance between our love and happiness and the need to respect your grief for Mary, which does give me a feeling of being second best. You may love me, but I do feel like I’m in a competition, however, maybe that will change over time as well? And who knows whether you’ll ever want to remarry?

Final thoughts

Listening to my partner’s comments has helped me with my own journey along the road of widowhood, mourning and grief. I only hope that this conversation has helped you, or at least, provided some food for thought.

I often write about technical issues such as RRSPs and investments, and please don’t misunderstand, they’re critically important. But after Mary’s death, I realized that the “soft” issues in life are often neglected because they are so hard to resolve.

Yet, it’s the soft issues that drive most of our financial decisions.

These soft issues deal with our relationships, our emotional state, our hopes, dreams and desires. They affect our self esteem and our sense of being. So understanding and resolving our soft issues allows us to make better financial decisions.

Whether you’re a widow/widower or a divorcee, don’t procrastinate with the soft issues as they’ll hold you back from working on your financial decisions. We are here to help.

How can we help you through some of life’s most difficult transitions

We’re a small family at Dri Financial Group. We’ve been together for over 20-years. From years of experience, we’re able to provide the emotional support and financial expertise needed for every situation. If you have any goal in mind — big or small — that requires some financial planning, but you’re struggling with where to start, reach out to our team. We have the expertise and life experiences to help guide you to achieving your goals.

Contact us today to learn more about the options available to you. CLICK HERE.

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We offer you a range of services from creating bespoke financial plans and providing investment advice to helping you take advantage of our investment models. If you would like more information on the Wealth Navigator Process or our team, call me any time at 416.355.6370 or email me at richard.dri@scotiawealth.com.
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