I lost my wife Mary in January 2020. At the time I didn’t know how I’d move forward. My journey continues, on a road paved by acceptance.
Cast your mind back 30 months. January 2020. A new year had just rung it. Maybe, if you celebrate, you finally got around to throwing out your Christmas tree. The Masked Singer made its TV debut. COVID-19 wasn’t a thing.
30 months seems so long ago – but that time has flashed by so fast.
January 2020 was when my beloved wife, friend, soulmate, and rock of 33 years, Mary, passed away after a brave fight against cancer. January 2020 was when my life changed forever.
So much has happened to me in those 30 months since. And so much has been learned by me. I’d like to share some of my experiences with you, in the hope of helping other grievers deal with their loss and, perhaps, find a way to move forward on their own.
PERSONAL COMMUNITY
After Mary’s death, I was truly humbled by the number of clients and friends who asked how I was doing, sent sympathy cards, and prayed for my family. Some I knew intimately, others I’d only known professionally. But I felt I had an entire community that was concerned, supportive, and sincere in grieving alongside me. People will always surprise you in all the best ways.
KIDS
You may already know I have three grown children – now aged 30, 28, and 19. Two of them live in the U.S. (NYC and Denver); my baby girl (Yes, I know, I still call her that) lives at home with me while she goes to school.
After Mary’s death – and to this day – my kids were my main concern. I fretted about how they’d continue through life without the care and love they’d known from their mother from birth. How would her absence affect them, even as adults?
I encouraged all three to attend grief therapy, and all three did. After 30 months, I can honestly say that therapy went far to help them deal with their loss and move forward.
As a dad, I made a concerted effort to open lines of communication with them. As my kids grew up, their mom was their main caregiver – I was building a career, and not always there for them, though I tried my best. I asked them about their job, school, friends, partners, life. We keep in constant touch by email and text, and weekly (or sometimes daily!) phone calls. I hop on planes to NYC and Denver regularly, and in January 2022 we took a family vacation together to honour their mom on the anniversary of her passing.
Today, my kids are doing great – and have found ways to move forward while respecting and honouring their mother’s legacy.
FRIENDSHIPS
After Mary died, I didn’t expect my relationships with my friends to change. But when some stopped calling or visiting, I was surprised and – yes – angry.
A few months ago, I hosted a birthday party to honour and celebrate what would’ve been Mary’s 60th birthday. I invited some 50 friends and gave everyone an opportunity to share a personal memory of Mary.
As I listened to the stories, I laughed, cried, and became introspective. Then it hit me. I wasn’t the only person who grieved Mary’s death. Every single person in my house that night experienced their own personal grief connected to losing a friend, cousin, aunt, or daughter.
I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t abandoned.
That said, I also understood that some friends weren’t ready to continue their relationship with me. Everybody grieves differently and I accept that. Sadly, I also had to accept that some may never be close again.
Fortunately, some relationships improved and even strengthened, and I’ve since made new friends with other widows and widowers and fellow cyclists.
PROFESSIONALLY
The day Mary died, I expected the entire country to stop to grieve.
It didn’t.
Seriously, I thought January 15 should be named a National Day of Mourning. When it wasn’t, when 99.9999% of Canada acted like Mary Dri never existed in the first place, I was surprisingly saddened.
It took time for me to accept that Mary was only one person (the most important person in the world to me) among 7.9 billion in the world. And the world kept turning without her.
At work, I realized that clients had their own issues. Although I was grieving, I had a responsibility to them and had to find a way forward.
Therapy taught me how to separate work and life. At the office, I learned to focus on client issues; at home, I concentrated on my family and my own grief journey. It wasn’t perfect and sometimes the lines blurred, but it got me through my darkest days and made me the best possible Richard Dri to both my clients and my loved ones.
MONEY
My blog wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t discuss money. Specifically, income and expenses in widow(er)hood.
When Mary passed, my expenses didn’t drop by 50%, as some might expect. Since most household expenses are fixed – property taxes, utilities, etc. – I found that my overall expenses only fell by about 10%.
I saved money by going from two cars to one, no longer having Mary’s expenses (clothing, hobbies, hair, and cosmetics), and an initial drop in grocery bills (though food inflation has made my food costs more expensive than ever).
So while household expenses definitely won’t drop by 50%, there’s a good chance that household income may… by half if not more. In my case, Mary’s work was part-time as she was chiefly a stay-at-home mom, but her financial contribution to our home was important. Mary’s salary covered food and travel for our family; that’s now my responsibility.
I will also lose 100% of Mary’s Old Age Security and most likely all of her Canada Pension Plan – seriously impacting my eventual retirement.
In short, I had to accept that my new financial position isn’t as strong as it was with Mary.
RETIREMENT
This is a hard one.
I’m a financial planner. I plan things. And Mary and I had been working on (dreaming about!) our retirement plan for decades. When Mary died, so did all those plans.
I had to go back and rethink a solo retirement.
With the help of a business coach, I spend hours thinking about and identifying goals that are important to me (no longer to “us”) and together we developed a new plan that works for me alone. Read about how you might do the same.
Mary and I scrimped and saved for our shared retirement, and I still feel guilt that Mary won’t reap the rewards of our frugality. We could’ve spent that money while she was alive to enjoy it! But I’ve learned to accept this as well.
FINDING LOVE
When Mary died, I didn’t believe I could love another woman, I believed that Love was a finite resource and all of my love belonged to Mary.
Over time, I realized that love is actually infinite.
Here’s what I mean. When my first child was born, he received all my love. When my second was born, I didn’t subtract love from the first child to give to the second – instead, my love doubled, and I loved them equally. Then my love tripled when my third child was born.
That’s what I mean when I say love is infinite.
Given this principle, I realized that I could maintain my love for my late wife while also loving another woman. Love is an infinite resource and falling in love with another woman will never mean I love Mary less.
IN CONCLUSION
You’ll find I used the word “accept” in this blog quite a bit, but that’s what it all comes down to. Accept that relationships will change. Accept that dreams won’t happen. Accept that grief differs for everyone. Accept support. Accept love into your life.
Remember the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
If you are having difficulty accepting your new position in life, please give me a call and we can share what has worked with each other in the past.
Read my previous blogs updating my widowhood journey:
https://richarddri.ca/my-gratitude-for-your-support-during-this-difficult-time-in-my-life/
https://richarddri.ca/4-lessons-learned-since-becoming-widowed/
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source https://richarddri.ca/accepting-life-as-a-widower-the-30-month-mark/
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