My two boys found love and are getting married. As a widower, I’m both happy and sad, and wondering about the price tag.
How did this happen? It feels like yesterday I was the best man at my college buddy’s wedding. Now, all of the sudden, I’m going to be Father of the Groom at… not one, but two… weddings.
Yes, my two sons are getting married – the oldest this fall, the middle child sometime in 2023. (I don’t even want to think about my youngest; while I wish her love, I hope she’s in no hurry.)
How does this make me feel? (Besides old?) Well, like a proud papa, I’m naturally thrilled. But as a recent widower, I can’t help feeling sadness.
My boys had the good fortune to meet two smart, beautiful, and caring young women with whom they’ve decided to share a lifetime of love. I know the feeling all too well; that was me 30 years ago.
My sadness comes from the fact that my bride – and my boys’ mother – won’t be there for this glorious event. Nor will Mary be there for all of the happy couples’ future milestones, including the birth of our grandchildren and the inevitable hockey games, recitals, birthday parties, and religious ceremonies to come. In my mind’s eye, I can see her beaming with pride at each and every one of these moments.
But, as I’ve said before, for my own emotional well-being I’ve learned to accept the things that will not change. And Mary’s absence will not change. I accept that, I accept – don’t deny – the sadness, and move on.
LOOKING AT THE COST OF A WEDDING FROM A WIDOWED PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE
These weddings are still in the future so, as both a father and a financial advisor, I’m looking at the cost of a wedding. (Or, in my case, two.) Specifically, from a widow/widower’s perspective.
According to a 2020 WeddingWire Newlywed Report1, the average cost of a wedding in the United States in 2019 was approximately $30,000 USD. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a similar Canadian study but let’s use this report as our basis. If we convert $30,000 US into Canadian dollars, that puts the cost at $40,000 CDN.
But wait. My boys’ weddings are happening in Toronto, where everything’s pricier. Also, the 2020 report was pre-COVID, and we all know how costs have been skyrocketing. So, assume inflation has raised the original cost by 50%
Now that $40,000 wedding is $60,000.
WHO PAYS FOR THE WEDDING? AND HOW MUCH?
In the past, the bride’s parents traditionally paid for the wedding and reception, while the groom’s parents covered the rehearsal and bar. Fortunately, things have changed. Today the couple and both sets of parents pitch in.
The same study reported that 52% of the costs were covered by the parents, 47% by the couple, and 1% by family and friends. It’s a bit different for Millennials (which my two boys are). For this cohort, 56% of the costs were covered by the parent, 42% by the couple, and 2% by others.
So, we’ve established that a GTA wedding will cost $60,000. If the two sets of parents pay 56% of the cost, that’s $33,600. Divide that in two, and both the bride’s and the groom’s parents will contribute approximately $17,000.
Well, wait, you might ask – as a widower, are you expected to pay the same equal share as the bride’s two parents? Of course not. There’s no hard and fast rule as to who pays what. It’s all dependent on the individual situation; any family that’s about to merge should consider each other’s ability to pay what they can afford without any pressure.
WEDDING GIFTS: STRINGS OR NO STRINGS ATTACHED?
The same study reported that nearly 60% of parents agree to pay for certain items at the wedding, such as a dress or venue, while roughly one-third gift the couple with a cheque to use as they see fit (towards wedding expenses, a honeymoon, a house). I fall into that one-third.
This part wasn’t in the report, but I’m guessing that the more money parents contribute to the wedding, the more strings they attach to their wedding gift. Some might want to control the attendees, the venue, and the menu, or maybe just the flowers.
My sons appear to want to be more in charge of their wedding plans – it’s their wedding, after all. I respect that; my gift would have no strings attached.
This was what Mary and I had always agreed to: our children could spend their wedding gift as they wished, and we wouldn’t get involved unless asked. The only part of the plan left undecided was the amount of the gift. Now it falls on me to decide how much to gift my adult children.
CAUTION: DON’T LET A WEDDING DISRUPT YOUR RETIREMENT PLANS
In previous blogs, I recommended that a parent’s retirement plans should never be compromised by financially supporting your children – and this includes wedding gifts. So, I took my own advice and prepared multiple retirement plans using different amounts, and estimated the effects of a wedding gift on my retirement income as a widower.
I finally arrived at a $25,000 do-what-you-will wedding gift and decided to let the kids know in advance what they’d receive. This number would cover my parental share of the wedding costs (if that’s how the kids chose to use it!) with a nice sum left over for whatever. Their money, their call.
The final consideration is deciding when the wedding gift should be given. On the wedding day? Or staggered throughout their engagement period? If the gift is staggered, it could help the couple pay for upfront deposits for their wedding day, and help their budgeting.
Personally, I want to give my gift on the big day itself. Why? If given before, it may lose its sentimental value and get lost in all the pre-wedding hubbub. I plan to give my gift at the reception, but since they’ll know how much to expect they can budget wedding costs accordingly.
Please remember that all of the numbers mentioned here are estimates and averages and, in the case of my wedding gift, specific to me. It’s important that you look at your own financial situation and rerun your retirement projections before determining how much you can contribute to the wedding and how large a gift you can give. If you need assistance in rerunning retirement projections, please call my office, and will personally help you determine the wedding gift that you can comfortably afford.
Mary and I raised our kids to be self-sufficient, and I know that – while they’ll be more than appreciative of the financial support and boost a wedding gift will give them and their brides – they aren’t dependent on my monetary input in making or breaking the happiest day of their life. All that will matter is that their loving parents will be there for them, even if one is only in spirit. (Because parental love is forever.)
1 The 2020 WeddingWire Newlywed Report is based on a survey among 27,250 individuals—the largest survey of weddings in the industry. The data is collected from couples who provided their email to The Knot Worldwide and were married between January 1 and December 31, 2019. Respondents represent couples from all over the country with various ethnicities, income levels, race, age, sexual orientation, and gender identity. To provide the most comprehensive view of the research collected, this report also includes findings from ad hoc studies conducted in 2019. In a typical year, The Knot Worldwide conducts research with more than 300,000 US brides, grooms, guests, and wedding professionals.
source https://richarddri.ca/should-a-widower-pay-for-their-childs-wedding/
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