The mere thought that being a widow or widower can have positive aspects feels taboo – something we don’t talk about. I’d like to change that.
I’m about to say what might sound like the most terrible thing a widow or widower might say.
“Some positive things come out of being widowed.”
There. I said it. And if you’re someone who’s been widowed, as I have, over a few years when the grieving process has settled somewhat, you may be thinking “yes, sorry, but it’s true”, but have felt too guilty to admit it.
Of all the emotions that course through your system after losing a spouse, guilt might be the most difficult one to set aside. The idea that any aspect of my life might be better today than when I was with Mary feels like a terrible admission.
But I’m admitting it here, to you.
Now, believe me, I loved my wife. For 37 years she was my everything. I miss her every single day, and I would gladly surrender any positive aspects of my “new” life to have her back. But I also know having her back is impossible, so it’s important to accept – even embrace – these new positives for me to be truly happy.
Here are a few ways that I feel, in Mary’s absence, I’ve grown as a person. Sometimes for the better.
1. I DISCOVERED I HAD THREE KIDS
When Mary was alive, we both took very traditional roles within our family. I was the “breadwinner”, focused on growing my financial planning business. Mary took care of our three kids, the house, breakfast, lunch, and dinner, family vacation planning, household finances…well, pretty much everything.
And I thought she had the easier job.
I did what a dad’s supposed to do. I made every effort to attend most of our kids’ soccer games, hockey tournaments, recitals, and school events. But Mary was the one who was home when the kids returned, with a front row seat to their thoughts, hopes, and fears. She did her best to keep me updated, but – and I hate to admit this – I wasn’t 100% present.
That’s changed since Mary’s death. I made a commitment to myself (and to Mary) that I would step up as a father. I’d be more involved in my (now adult) kids’ lives and help them deal with the loss of their mother. I’d truly get to know their feelings, something that somehow didn’t feel like my “job” before.
They’d already lost one parent. If I didn’t step up, they may very well have thought they lost both.
I tried all sorts of ideas but what worked best was weekly phone (or Zoom) calls or coffee dates. This one-on-one time was a whole new experience for me (and for them!) and ultimately made it easy for them to open up to me. The more I knew them, the better I could support and advise them… and share my own feelings.
You know, grownup Dad stuff.
I also insisted we maintain our traditional family vacation. This past January I hosted my three kids, two fiancés, and a boyfriend for a week’s holiday in Miami Beach. Not only did I feel bonded with my family, I felt I was among friends. Mary would have been proud.
Today I’m a better dad than when their mom was alive.
2. I FOUND FREEDOMS I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD
Okay, this is going to sound horribly selfish. But in a lot of ways, I feel freer today than I have in decades. I’m not complaining. But Mary and I had a pact – we would discuss issues and if we weren’t entirely in agreement on how to proceed, we wouldn’t do it. In that, we were in total agreement.
By moving forward only when we were absolutely eye-to-eye, we may have compromised a bit (or a lot!) – but it kept our marriage strong. And I think it led to better decisions in the long run.
But I’ll give you an example of one challenging compromise. For over a decade, I wanted to buy a Miami condo to escape winter in Canada. Maybe it would become our retirement home, who knows? But Mary disagreed. She argued that buying a condo would anchor us in one place and stop us from seeing the world. She’d rather rent accommodations wherever we might find ourselves.
Since we didn’t agree, we didn’t buy the condo.
Again, not complaining. We got to see Spain, Mexico, all of Florida, Italy multiple times… but I still dreamed of that condo.
After Mary’s death, that decision was mine alone. Close to two years ago I got up the nerve and finally bought my Miami condo. Not to disrespect Mary, but to make myself happy. And honestly, it makes my kids happy too… which brings me back to being a better Dad.
3. I’M DISCOVERING RICHARD DRI
I know this sounds funny coming from a 60-year-old man. But it’s true.
Mary and I were together 37 years, 33 of them as husband and wife. Over the decades, we leaned on each other for everything. There wasn’t a thing one of us didn’t know about the other, to the point we became one person.
We were Brangelina before there was Brangelina.
I imagine it happens in most marriages – you begin to see yourself as half of a couple, and not an individual. You find true happiness, but give up a little bit of yourself.
As a widower, I’m rediscovering what I like and learning more about who I am inside. For example, I discovered I’m not very empathetic towards family and friends. I don’t know why; if I had to guess it’s that 30+ years of studying investments made me a far more clinical than emotional thinker. It seems that trait spilled over into my personal life.
I plan to change that.
I think Mary would love the Richard Dri I am today – he’s probably very close to the one she met 37 years ago, but much better.
AM I ALONE IN THIS? I DON’T BELIEVE SO.
Following all the soul-searching I did after Mary’s loss, one of the hardest conclusions I came to was that I had to forge my own life. It would be different, not necessarily better, but it had to be the best I could make it.
I had to overcome guilt, acknowledge and fix what I didn’t like about myself, strengthen my family bonds and, perhaps selfishly, do the things Richard Dri always wanted to do. I have that responsibility to myself.
You may feel the same way. If you’ve been widowed and have found similar discoveries, and are willing to share them, please feel free to message or call me. Together we can discuss some of the positive aspects of your new life.
The process of finding a financial advisor can be overwhelming. It is our job to make that process simpler and easier.
Dri Financial Group’s proprietary Wealth Navigator Process is designed with you in mind.
Its structured framework helps you make an informed decision and feel confident in our team and management practices before we get started.
We offer you a range of services from creating bespoke financial plans and providing investment advice to helping you take advantage of our investment models. If you would like more information on the Wealth Navigator Process or our team, call me any time at 416.355.6370 or email me at richard.dri@scotiawealth.com.
—
Beyond helping you manage your finances, we take pride in motivating, educating and helping you expand your financial literacy. We are here to answer any questions you have and to help you feel in control of your financial destiny.
If you are ready to dive deeper into your financial literacy journey, we have a wide range of free tools and educational resources available.
-
- Subscribe to our Never Retire Newsletter
- Contact us to order a complimentary e-book
- Check-out our latest Wealth Navigator Podcast
- Follow me on LinkedIn
source https://richarddri.ca/can-being-widowed-make-you-a-better-person/
Dri Financial Group 